Perfect peace…

I have no idea where this week went, it’s flown by and been so busy!  But I’ve been meaning to do an update all week since I was back in Toronto on Monday.   But then I was battling a bug and Sophia got the stomach flu and I started to declutter my crawl-space (that horrid room) and I was helping Jay with some stuff, so now it’s Saturday and the update will finally be forth-coming.

So…  like I said I was back in Toronto on Monday, again.  Seeing all the dr’s once again.   It almost seems old hat, except this time  I left Jason behind because the appointments were going to be routine and my dad drove me.  And its kinda funny but I’ve never really entertained the notion of driving to the big city by myself.  I’m too pregnant, too distracted and I drive a big Suburban.  Enough said.    So my dad drove me and I had a great day with my dad, thanks dad!

So yet another echocardiogram for baby (I kept falling asleep during it – these things take so long!)  but even I could see from the screen that the baby’s left ventricle isn’t pumping anymore and it didn’t contain any blood.  The valve that was opened has narrowed again and so they are now calling her heart hypo-plastic.   Poor little baby heart.   So again no miracle,  at this point it’s about moving forward and accepting our new reality.

The hypo-plastic left heart meant we started to seriously talk about surgery options with our cardiologist.   And the most confusing thing is that there are two options for the surgery she will need right away, and if we want to, we can decide which surgery she will get!

Huh, come again?

How on earth would we be able to decide something as important as that?   But that can be addressed later, and in the meantime my dad and I  got a tour of the hospital.  Of course then I’m wishing that Jason had actually come and could see everything with me,  but he will just have to get the tour again next time.

We saw the different rooms the baby would be in during the different stages of her recovery, and what floor the operating room was on.    Natalie – our contact there – wanted to show us a baby recovering from cardiac surgery, and I remember waiting to find out if we could with that shivery anticipation of slight horror – like it would be one of those things you don’t want to see, but can’t look away.   Apparently parent’s find it easier seeing another baby in that condition before they see their own…. kinda ouchy but understandable.   But thankfully that little trauma was delayed as the baby’s were all occupied and I think that was God’s timing because it would be way better to have Jason there with me for emotional support.

So then dad and I went for a little walk over to the high-risk pregnancy clinic at Mt. Sinai hospital for more appointments.    And next on the list was meeting two dr’s from the neo-natal team that will whisk my baby away after she’s born to stabilize her.     She will need to be given progesterone immediately after birth to keep the ducts in her heart open so she won’t go into shock, but they were pretty sure I could give her a quick kiss before they take her and if she is stable I might even get a quick cuddle before they transport her over to Sick Kids, the children’s hospital across the street.   Small mercies right?

While I was talking to them it got emotional – I don’t think anyone wants their baby taken away at birth – and they then subtly asked me if I had been told what her chances were.    I’m no dummy and I understood right away what they meant – and thankfully I was able to tell them coherently that I knew that my daughter could die at birth or before they could stabilize her or really whenever.   And even though that thought breaks my heart it really is our reality.  And their relief was visible…. their job must be so tough in situations like this that I’m sure it’s help to ease the stress of their jobs knowing that a parent understands what they are up against.

And then I met with the Obstetrician (such a long day!) but now I have a due date week!   They are planning on inducing me between December 3rd and 6th, and that is coming very soon.  So that is why I’m trying like crazy to get things sorted and organized and prepared here,  that’s only 9 weeks away!

But the day did finally end and thankfully dad and I were able to sneak out of the city just on the cusp of rush hour and made it home in fairly decent time…. whew.   But then the next day was tough.   I’m finding that these appointments tend to throw me for a loop for a few days.  Having to face what is coming always puts me in a bit of a tail-spin and my thoughts get all tangled and messy and I cry a lot and I don’t understand and I feel like this is the last place on earth I want to be, basically I get kinda depressed.

But then God slowly and surely brings thing back into focus and I can find myself back into the present, where things are still OK and God is good.

Thursday morning this verse came to mind… Isaiah 26:3

And then I realized that I get so caught up in everything after the appointments that my mind is NOT stayed on Christ, it’s all over the map and worried and fearful, and no wonder there is no peace to be found.

Trusting God, believing His promises, knowing that He will work out everything out for His glory is where peace is… and it’s not the easiest thing to be done in the midst of turmoil, but very necessary for me if I’m going to stay sane through this whole waiting and wondering process.

I can’t wait until my baby gets here…

But in the meantime I’m so thankful that I”ve found my way back to perfect peace, for now.

Amen.